Until recently it has always been the case, even though I may not like to admit it, that I feel more secure within myself when I am in a relationship. 

My first 'serious' relationship was with a guy that I met by chance and being completely honest I didn't even find him attractive to begin with, attractive in looks and personality.  Even with this initial feeling I pursued a relationship and I suppose you could say I grew to love him, not head over heels kinda love but it was a type of love.  We share some lovely memories and for the best part I enjoyed our relationship but looking back on that few years one thing sticks out to me, how needy I was.  Yes I was young and learning but my god I was ridiculously needy.  I relied on him emotionally and financially so when I finally decided I was not happy in the relationship anymore, my whole life turned upside down.  I vowed never to get into that situation ever again.

I left the country and pursued a dream I had from the age of fifteen, to work overseas.  I packed everything I had into a giant suitcase and got on the plane to Tenerife, alone.  I had gained part of my independence back within a very short amount of time and it felt great.  I was doing something I loved, was good at and felt confident for the first time in years.  Then, a boy arrived in the hotel I was working in and it all happened again!

This time it was different, from the moment I set eyes on him I loved him, every little thing about him.  I don't understand how this happened and four years later I still cant explain it.  This changed everything, I didn't want to be in Tenerife anymore, I wanted to be in the UK with him, three months after we met I returned to my hometown.  Spending a whole year in my hometown commuting over six hundred miles every couple of months, crazy phone bills and going between jobs was tiring.  I made the move to his hometown, my biggest mistake.  I immediately became that needy girl again, I had left everything I knew to go to a place where everyone was a stranger, I only had him.  Two years passed and I finally landed a job I adored, was making friends of my own and enjoying my life not his.  All that effort went to waste, a kick in the teeth in a way.  Someone once told me to not look at it in that way, that it couldn't have been all bad and must have added to my life experiences and made me wiser for the future, well yes, yes it did. 

This here is a vow to myself to never get into a position where I genuinely need a man ever again.  Yes I will be in a relationship again but the only thing I will need from that man is his love.  I will make sure that should it not work out that I would be stable emotionally and financially without him.

This may be a bit personal for some people but its how I'm feeling.  I'm sure I'm not the only girl who has ever felt this way but if you only take one thing from it, always put yourself first - always.  What's for you won't go past you, I am a HUGE believer in fate and what's meant to be will be.