Until recently it has always been the case, even though I may not like to admit it, that I feel more secure within myself when I am in a relationship. 

My first 'serious' relationship was with a guy that I met by chance and being completely honest I didn't even find him attractive to begin with, attractive in looks and personality.  Even with this initial feeling I pursued a relationship and I suppose you could say I grew to love him, not head over heels kinda love but it was a type of love.  We share some lovely memories and for the best part I enjoyed our relationship but looking back on that few years one thing sticks out to me, how needy I was.  Yes I was young and learning but my god I was ridiculously needy.  I relied on him emotionally and financially so when I finally decided I was not happy in the relationship anymore, my whole life turned upside down.  I vowed never to get into that situation ever again.

I left the country and pursued a dream I had from the age of fifteen, to work overseas.  I packed everything I had into a giant suitcase and got on the plane to Tenerife, alone.  I had gained part of my independence back within a very short amount of time and it felt great.  I was doing something I loved, was good at and felt confident for the first time in years.  Then, a boy arrived in the hotel I was working in and it all happened again!

This time it was different, from the moment I set eyes on him I loved him, every little thing about him.  I don't understand how this happened and four years later I still cant explain it.  This changed everything, I didn't want to be in Tenerife anymore, I wanted to be in the UK with him, three months after we met I returned to my hometown.  Spending a whole year in my hometown commuting over six hundred miles every couple of months, crazy phone bills and going between jobs was tiring.  I made the move to his hometown, my biggest mistake.  I immediately became that needy girl again, I had left everything I knew to go to a place where everyone was a stranger, I only had him.  Two years passed and I finally landed a job I adored, was making friends of my own and enjoying my life not his.  All that effort went to waste, a kick in the teeth in a way.  Someone once told me to not look at it in that way, that it couldn't have been all bad and must have added to my life experiences and made me wiser for the future, well yes, yes it did. 

This here is a vow to myself to never get into a position where I genuinely need a man ever again.  Yes I will be in a relationship again but the only thing I will need from that man is his love.  I will make sure that should it not work out that I would be stable emotionally and financially without him.

This may be a bit personal for some people but its how I'm feeling.  I'm sure I'm not the only girl who has ever felt this way but if you only take one thing from it, always put yourself first - always.  What's for you won't go past you, I am a HUGE believer in fate and what's meant to be will be. 

Source - Zac Efron, Scene from 'The Lucky One'

The idea for this post occurred to me while listening to One Direction, as much as Liam Payne has  pissed me off recently, I'm still listening.  Judge me if you will it won't change my opinion, proving that their lyrics are more than just something for tweenagers to sing along to.

The title of this post are lyrics from one of my favourite songs from the five piece sensation, One thing, google it and make up your own mind what it means to you before I tell you the thoughts it provoked for me.

I think that the definition, according to Urban Dictionary (source), is quite accurate in regards to what I want to write about today;

"Related to the Superman movies: Superman's weakness. The only thing that can hurt the man of steel, man/woman that calls someone their kryptonite means that they are their weakness. Someone or something they have to stay away from because they want it even though it's not good for them or will hurt them, someone you want but can't have can be called your kryptonite."

Before you ask, yes I am referring to myself as 'Superwoman' for the duration of this post.  Why, even though we know something or in this case someone is not compatible with ourselves, do we still want them to be with us or part of our lives?  Is it because you are truly in love with that person and fate is trying to keep you together?  Is it just what your used to and your more comfortable with what is familiar to you?  I'm undecided but I have a few theories;

1.  I think that when you have at one time been in love with someone that the feeling never completely goes away, there will always be a part of me that hold some kind of love for ex boyfriends, some more than others but definitely a definition of love.  There is no proven mathematical equation for how long it can take you to 'get over' an ex but according to this source it would take me one year to get over a relationship of two to four years, so maybe the said source is correct and I'm just riding the break-up roller coaster, who knows.

2. It is a known fact to everyone that knows me that I do not like change, no matter how many changes I have had in my life, I don't like it.  As I have grown as a person I have learnt to deal with it better in some aspects but not when it revolves around love and relationships.  So maybe it could be that I'm hanging onto something that I'm not ready to change yet, again who knows.

3. Do I only want it because I can't have it, would I really want it if I could have it at the snap of my fingers.  I don't think so.  Just like when Romeo and Julliet fall in love its all very dramatic because they couldn't be together, it was always a risk, I believe that made them want it more.  If they had been allowed to be together, would they have even been that interested, I suppose we will never know.

Gem
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